Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Random thoughts in CNY break
I think sometime ago I read on The Newpaper that having less sleep will make you react more to things, meaning you're more emotional.
Haha as I'm blogging now, following the stayover in the clubroom and watching Arsenal vs Rovers til 6am, and waking up at around 8.15am, I'm super seh.
I want to sleep, but usually I can't 'bear' to sleep at night, so maybe it's time to sort out some thoughts. It has been quite some time since I've posted, so it might be quite long.. pardon me for that eh? =)
How was CNY? Hmm.. seriously, I don't do CNY visitings anymore. As all my 4 grandparents have passed away, the linkages between my uncles and aunties are quite broken. For my father's side, whom I live with, I live in my grandma's house. And being in the grandma's house, people visit you, instead of you visiting others. haha I big loh, so just wait at home wait for people to come.
For my mother's side, we were never that close to begin with, and following my mum's passing away back then in 1990. Going my maternal side has always been rather a chore, just for the sake of keeping ties alive, and to be downright cynical, the place is a Hongbao heaven, as they are really really generous.
That being said though, my uncles and aunties are really nice people. While we are never close, I always have this feeling that they treat us as one of their own. Every new year, they will ask us if we have enough money to spend, and on top of the Hongbao money, some will stuff money to give us, always telling us “拿去买东西吃，吃是不能省的”。
These are the little gestures that will stick with me for the rest of my life =)
My point is since my maternal grandma passed away, and that Ang Moh Kio area going through some 're-development' of blocks, we don't really keep in contact, and we don't really know the new address. So, no visiting loh.
But Chu San was really fun! Really 1000 thanks to Camy for 自编，自导，自演-ing the whole party! Great spread of food, drinks, desserts, 2 mahjong tables, cards, PS1, Hamigua's Wii, and your friendly family members! Super gan dong! I had great fun just walking around, chatting, playing games and enjoying the spirit of gathering :)
Well during CNY, as I'm rather free and enjoying the mental slack, I had many many random thoughts. I'll post them one by one when I have the time and energy.
One thought was put into me when visiting my father at CNY eve eve. Ok usually when I meet him, it's at the kopitiam downstairs, and we don't really have super a lot to talk about. He's that typical parochial citizen, who roughly knows what goes on in Singapore and the world, but rarely comments on it. Not many topics to talk about. So? He'll usually talk back about the things that happened in the past, about his past, our family's past etc.
And seriously, after every such conversation with him, I'll feel like I'm back in those times. Suddenly I'll just feel like I'm a little boy, when MXPS is relax, 奶奶 is healthily managing the family and I'm that naughty yet obedient little boy.
And suddenly like a little boy, I feel so relaxed, where there are no burdens, no worries. You're just a follower in the family, you do not lead, you do not put in any comments, everyone is healthy, and you just follow. Your job is just to do what you need to do - study.
And suddenly (again), you wonder why you feel so relaxed then, and why I feel so stressed up now. My realisation - Just do it!
When we were small, when I needed to do homework, needed to study for exams, granted, I do not hand in all my homework on time, but I'll do them all eventually, and study for exams eventually. No added pressure of doing well, no calculation of bell curves, no chasing for perfection, and you, well, just do it. You do not think that much, you just do it, and everything naturally follows. Not much stress, and you're happy.
Fast foward to now. For every term paper, I complain. Why can't we just have a mid-term test? Aiyah, nearer that deadline then do lah. For every graded assignment, I complain. Wa lao! Why can't we just have one? Why need 3 throughout the sem? For every graded stuff, be it attendance, class participation, assignment, midterm, term paper, I fret over not being able to get an A, I fret over losing marks if I don't do them.
I can't link really well, but I think the problem is choice. Whenever we do something, we give ourselves a choice. For every lecture/tutorial lesson, I'll subconsiously think: it's damn stupid, can I don't go? For every term paper/assignment, I'll think: I'm tired. Can I just anyhow do? For every midterm, I'll think: I'm tired, can I don't study everything and just pick the ones I want to study?
Hence, I'll need to invite the 'fighter' in me out, making myself mentally ultra-tired whenever I do all these stuff. When we were small, when we need to do something, you don't think, you just do. But when we have grown up, everytime, when there is something to be done, we offer ourselves a choice, that is, to have superficial understanding, to do a slip-shot work, or to skip lessons.
It's like in army. Whenever you think something as optional - e.g. morning runs, outfield exercises, drawing and checking and returning of stores/equipments, guard duties etc., you complain, and you don't feel happy. But whenever you accept it being part of your life, e.g. things like 1-month overseas training, IPPT-clearing, SOC-clearing, and when you just do it, you become more happy, and perhaps even can joke around when doing all these shit stuffs.
Back to studies. I need to find back that 'just do it' spirit, like in primary school, and simply do what 'teacher' says. Stop giving myself a 'choice' to skip lessons, to fall asleep during lectures (try that in the army), and to mentally give up when doing assignments. Like a primary school boy, I HAVE to go for lessons, I have to do nice homework or teacher will scold, I speak up in class because I'm a talkative boy and I just want to do well because I enjoy doing well.
Wouldn't that make me happier? Hmm.. Just do it.
And something minor today inspired me to think about Camy's old post regarding loving and 'unloving'. Perhaps now it's about knowing and unknowing, and friending and unfriending. It just feels weird, totally. Reminds me of the soci examples of total socialisation/re-socialisation.
Ok I dunno how to end this, I'm too tired oredi. More random thoughts next time. Tata!
lowtide blogged @
11:04 pm
