Well life has kind of been an emotional roller-coaster these few days.
Not that anything happened to me exactly, but something happening to my friend's close one reminded me of my mortality.
Actually many people do not know this, but I had a lump around the my left rib cage area at the side of my body, probably since the middle of last sem.. I can't remember exactly when, because I just have a blurred impression of spotting it while bathing in my hall.
Initially I thot it was nothing wrong, like a bruise, bump or a strange insect bite (I had one during p6/sec1 at my right thigh) and I hoped that it will automatically disappear.
Coincidentally at the time, one member of my family contracted cancer. Going several times with her to the hospital for the checkups, I realised other than the main one, she had a lump at the side of her body as well. I never get to see the lump, and I don't know how it compares to mine.
I had school then, and I didn't want to think about it.
But everyday when I bathed, when I woke up, when I were free, I'll use my finger to check the size of my lump, to see if it has become larger. It never did.
"Seek treatment early," I thought. "If it was cancerous but you detected early, you'll probably just need to skip one semester to treat it."
Holidays passed so fast and suddenly semester 2 started. I began to procrastinate again, and told myself to wait until the exams are over before I see a doctor about it.
So days are spent checking it again, with sometimes me looking at that member of my family and imagining it to happen to myself. Dropping hair. Going through operation. Missing one or more semesters. The possibility of dying. All the years of toil in my pursuit of education gone down the drain. Noone to take care and earn money for my family. No more chance to get into another relationship.
These thoughts made me realise of my own mortality. I'm young, but I'm gonna die some day. People will dimiss it as pessimistic, yet this is a cold, hard fact of life we'll have to face, and there is no way to predict when and how that faithful day will come.
Suddenly I realise how all the consolations towards patients are so unreal.
"You'll get well. Don't worry about it."
When you imagine it on yourself, there are no positive thoughts. Only fear. Only worry. Fear of losing whatever you already have. Worry of the big D-day.
Coupled with my friend's bad news, mortality is reminded to me indeed.
Work hard for your high CAPs and honours and money and hobbies, but never lose yourself and those around you in the pursuit of them. To put it blankly, you never know when you gonna die.
Luckily for me, a visit to the doctor told me that it was a cyst. 水瘤 in mandarin.
A huge sigh of relief descended upon me with the receiving of the news. I was very very very relieved, but the non-chalance of the doctor made it stupid for me to celebrate wildly, so I acted calm about it.
Results days are always mini emotional roller-coasters in their own right. I'm very lucky that in my whole life, major results ( I never really cared about the non-important 'big' exams held by schools) has never really disappointed me. I always knew I could do better, but my results has never disappointed me to such an extent that I'll be sad about it. Last semester, I was a little disappointed, but that's about it.
Plus the fact of me being very rational about results, I always aimed whatever the system required me to, rather than my personal emotional aims. I don't care what I get in PSLE as long as I get into AHS. Similiarly, I'm happy to get anything from 8-11pts to ensure my entry to TJC. Likewise for my As, once I can't get 4As and 2 Distinctions (to get a scholarship), it makes no difference to me the number of As I got as to qualify for Arts Fac you don't need such a great result to begin with.
So, usually I'm satisfied enough with my grades.
These happinesses concerning results leave a nice taste in the mouth, but almost immediately, news of bad results will come from friends.
To the friends you really care for, you'll sincerely feel sad for them, and these lingering sadness never fail to make the earlier happiness incomplete.
Hence the roller-coaster and this very weird blend of emotional ironies.
After spewing so much nonsense, I just wanna say finally the roller-coaster has reached the high point, with me doing so well in my exams this semester.
I've finally arrived.
For once, DL does not stand for Dulan. For once, it's something good.
I'm finally in the bracket where I wanna be.
But well, I've have to keep my head low, continue to toil, and do proud to myself and my family.
After the high of the first week post-exams, now it's the 'low' part.
Absolutely nothing to do.
In the first week after exams, every group of friend seemed all wanting to go out.. and I k-ed a GRAND TOTAL OF 5 TIMES!!
First: 5th May - Teoheng with Tatwee, Cecilia, Weichang
Second: 6th May - With Foodhunt Ocomm! At Party World Orchard. Fun!
Third: 10th May - With Marist gang at City Square - Each of each paid 9 each for 4hrs of singing.. The room is damn nice and has 3 mikes!! Oh yah, it's not S$9, it's 9 RINGGIT.
Fourth: 11th May - Party World Orchard (AGAIN) with Weilie, Baofang, Pearl and Nat.. Kinda sian when people started leaving early =X
Fifth: 12th May - Teoheng to celebrate my birthday with Tingting and Kailun
That kinda killed my enthusiasm for singing for a while.. Voice = chuix
Now, I'm simply slacking at home everyday.
Daytime: online see noone - self entertain
Nitetime: wait for Xiong, Rayner, Ben or Wenchang to come online then dota
4am sleep, 12noon wake up.
Cycle repeats. (Only tues and thurs 2.30pm go for tuition)
Waiting for a job to come.. Hope to get started on Friday.
Haven't blogged for quite a while.. Guess I've been busier after the exams than before and during them!
Had been going out so many times until I've kinda lost count of the dates and the things I did.
More on that maybe on the next posts.
A huge thanks to everyone who has wished me happy birthday!! =)
Firstly, thanks 08 for the celebration at "Villa'Zhey"!
GREAT signboard
the 'sumptuous' spread
the cake
Us!
I really love simple dinners like these, rather than the usual 'throw money at expensive restaurants' dinners =) Special thanks to Rayner and mum for the 'sumptuous' spread!
Also, to Ting Ting and Kailun, the only ones to celebrate it for me on the actual day, with a nice cake, finger food at our favourite hangout, TEO HENG. Really appreciate that =)
Thanks to those who Smsed me as well..
In chronological order
In advance: Titus
On the day itself: Weizhen, Anmei, Desmond (Ong), Pearl, Yunkai, lihui, Qingyun, Weichang, Yongwee, Cuihua, Aeron, Limin, Soon Bing, Shirui, Tat Wee
Belated: Tianhao, Geng Hui, Wendy, Chiu Yun, Yao Zong
Msn: Shuping, Jiexin (althought is I tao want =P)
And of course, the people you see on the left who has left a tag: Peiling, Wendy, Sam, Yunkai, Tianhao, Irene
People who tagged AFTER this post: Patrick, James
Special thanks to Cecilia as well, who sent an e-card all the way from Taiwan! Terima Kasih Mak Cik =P
just watching last nights Match of the Day again now, and i ound it really hilarious when Downing slipped for Middlesbrough and all the Wigan fans cheered, only for Viduka to sneak in round the back and volley the mis-hit cross home, cue an extra loud cheer from the Boro fans celebrating their goal and a stunned silence from Wigan
Notice the cheer from one side, immediately followed by a louder cheer from another side =P
the cake
Us!
