Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Long nonsense
人无远虑，必有近忧
If you don't look for your future, your future will automatically look for you.
Why? As time passes, the future becomes the present, and from now on, there is nowhere to hide. Avoidance is therapeutic, it really is. It provides a feel-good, an igorance-is-bliss feeling.
But when the future comes knocking by being the present, can it be avoided further?
Future rewards are seldom visible. And standing vis-a-vis present pains, they become so insignificant and intangible, so worthless of pursuing.
One needs to have the imagination - the feeling of joy, happiness, satisfaction when the future reward becomes reality, and therefore willing to go through current pain, in order to achieve the seemingly untouchable future rewards.
It's hard, especially when one is in a comfortable state. The illusion of this state going on forever is natural to humans, thus suffering now to prepare for such changes in state are not really part of our instinct. We are just born lazy, and born to be too comfortable.
The power of foresight, the power to anticipate things before they come, the power of forming expectations, and hence modifying current behaviour in accordance to the expectations formed of the future - rational expectations. Not easy, not easy, as uncertainty plays a huge role in discounting the expected utility of the future reward - hence decreasing the willingness to pay in the present.
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It was a long, hard sem, really.
Luckily for my year 3 sem 1 overload (take 6 modules, thanks to tianhao's suggestion), and for the 5MCs level-4000 system, I was able to take only 4 modules last sem. Taking 3 econs level-4000 modules plus one rather slack u/e was hard enough for me. And my brain power was tested near its limits. Coupled with intensive tuition for my o'level kid, my time, energy and brain power was really stretched to the extreme.
Plus the competitive nature of the modules. Gone are the I-just-want-to-get-a-degree-and-go-off people, and left are scarily similar attituded honours wannabes. Not certain of the marks required to get an A in this new environment, squeezing every percentage possible in every module becomes the norm. Through extra thinking, extra detailed, and extra careful checking of tutorial assignments (burning my brain in the process as they are so darn hard), over-enthu tutorial participation, doing well for the tests by going through every concept/detail of the notes, and scrutinising them intensely.
To be brutally honest, I still offer help like before, but spoonfeeding was out of the way. I just helped so people can get through some mental block, and after which, leave them to put in the same mental effort to understand concepts.
So, I did well for my CAs. However, for every single one of my 4 exams, after the paper, I will realise I did something wrong, and I knew exactly what to do. It just happens that I wrote the wrong things during exams, and only realising afterwards. And seriously, this feeling really sucks. I mean, I got lousy grades before for modules I simply didn't understand (aka Serene Tan or Lin Mao Ting or Han Haejoon), I feel totally justified I got poor grades, and didn't feel sucky much. This time round, I was really in self blame for doing all these stupid things. No use being so good during the semester, and failing to show it where in matters most - the final examinations (usually around 50-60%)
That was why I was super pessimistic after the whole exams ended.
But surprise, surprise, and I say it with lots of humility, guilt and sense of taiko-ness, this was my best sem. Even better than my brillant year 1 sem 2, which was the polar opposite, a breeze. And with that, I pulled my total CAP up to my best CAP in NUS ever, above my year 1's.
I seriously don't know how the hell I did it, seriously. The only explanation I can give is that even though I screwed up, others have fell even more wayward due to the tough content of the modules.
Really happy, but with lots of humility and caution underneath it. I've got to learn my lessons, not repeat the scare again, chiong hard for this final semester. And yes, now the Thesis will be make or break. Scary stuff.
Really grateful, so I'll really work hard not to put the past 7 sems to waste. I've come a long way, so it's time to finish the job. By hook or by crook.
lowtide blogged @
2:49 am
Monday, December 14, 2009
Life does not make sense
Point to ponder after watching the first episode of 心晴总动员2.
There are so much heavy burden on the only son's shoulders. Mentally-unsound mum, sick dad.
Having so much to bear 'in the future'.
So wtf did God give him 'life' for?
If you're a Buddhist, you'll believe he's here to clear the debts he owed in the previous life = bopian.
If you're a believer in a non-karma religion, so wtf?!?
His only purpose in life is to suffer all these nonsense at home when he was young. And he is only 12 years old, yet his purpose now in life is "When I grow up, I will...".
Just a little boy, and yet already so much on his shoulders. His childhood just merely a process to get him to grow up, and his growing up is merely a process for him to provide for others.
So where is the enjoyment for him?
And this is only small Singapore = a safe, sheltered place. Compared to the rest of the world. Poverty rules. People struggling to put food into their mouths. War. Genocide. Famine. Plagued with diseases rendering them nothing but suffering in this world.
So, for them, what is life exactly for?
Here we are, in the comforts of a first-world city, talking thrash about 'living your life to the fullest', 'live your dreams', when at many, many parts of the world, people are struggling to survive just another day. And when they do survive that 'another day', what is it for?
So that they can continue to struggle and suffer!
Yes, I sound suicidal. But I'm not. But sometimes, you really wonder why the Creator create this place for.
Yes - you lead a good life. What about the statistically significant sufferers? Can we conclude that life is indeed meaningful when so many of them exist?
The more I think, the more I see, the more I feel this 'learning in life' thing is rubbish. So many people are suffering in this world it's unbelievable. To put it very simplistically and very bluntly, simply because one guy (or couple) performed the Original Sin?
Seriously, life does not make sense, not at all.
We can't continue to smile at our comfortable lives, and be blind to so much stupidity in the world.
We simply can't.
lowtide blogged @
10:50 pm
Sunday, December 13, 2009
End of ICT
Just a quick word about ICT before I go out.
Hmm, 6 days of ICT have just passed. Everytime I go in for ICT, I feel transported to another world, with its own sets of culture, system - very isolated, very specific, and very disjointed with the rest of the world.
I'm not sure if I'm a fast or slow adapter - the first few days I was still in a civilian mood, very negative, and wanting everything just to pass and be done. After that, I become quite used to everything, and I got back that 'soldier' feeling again. The instinct just came back.
Right now as I'm typing, the things that happened in the past 6 days are still flashing through my mind, my body is still aching, and my back is still full of sandfly bites (arr, the great outfield - enchantress would have said that). And yes, I feel weird now being able to lead my own life, and using the computer without anyone planning your schedule for you.
Thinking back, other than that 'outfield' day, ICT actually passed quite fast. Everything was actually done quite efficiently, and everyone actually knew what to do, and did things fast and good, making everything quite a 'positive' experience. Yes, I'm still physically-drained and feel that I'm not up to mark, but thankfully, I had a happy ending to ICT, making my mood for this ICT more positive.
On the 2nd IPPT for the 'failures', I passed! When I crossed that finishing line after the 2.4km, scenes of my lone runs and walks up the pgp slope to the chin up bar came flashing back, I'm glad for myself that working hard does pay off this time. I mean, I don't feel good seeing others fail, but since I've worked hard for it consistently during the semester, it feels good to be finally rewarded for the effort I put in.
Happy, but it still feels weird now. Having the exact opposite feeling last week, now I have to dump the past 6 days behind me, and start chionging for my Thesis. But well, it's good! I remember in year 1, the suffering I had during army is what inspired me that 'anything else is better', and made me study hard. Now I shall use this as my personal motivation as well.
It's good to see everyone again =)
Til next year.
lowtide blogged @
10:36 am
Monday, December 07, 2009
Reservist 7th-12th
Will be away from Monday to Saturday - please sms me if anything - with your name! Cos I will be using old, non-camera phone. Byebye world!
lowtide blogged @
12:16 am
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
Blind Pursue
When we starved, all we ever wanted was food.
When we had food, all we ever wanted was more quality
When we had quality, all we ever wanted was more variety.
When we had more variety, all we ever wanted was more comfort when we ate.
When we had some comfort, all we ever wanted was a proper house.
When we had a proper house, it was too small, and all we ever wanted was a bigger house.
When we had a bigger house, it was still too small, for the neighbour had a bigger one.
And we forget. Where did we even begin. And in the blind pursue of all these, we forgot that for every step of the way, we had to pay a price.
And here we are, pursuing and pursuing. And little did we know, we kept paying and paying.
And before you know it, all that material good. All of which you paid such a heavy price for. You can't take them as you depart. You cry and whine that you worked hard for it. You deserved it. But little did you foresee this day would come, and you brought no fruit of your labour back. Ironically, you leave it for someone who did absolutely nothing to deserve it, except for the luck of being the metamorphosis of your sperm or egg.
And all these while, you paid the price. And they got the reward. So see who's the smart one.
Be blind, be blind. And at the end of the day, they will just take it all, take it all.
lowtide blogged @
10:11 pm
