Saturday, February 03, 2007
Pyschic VoidI've noticed myself to be blogging more regularly recently, and perhaps that's a bad thing.
I'm not sure why, almost every night after returning to my hall room from school, I would not know what I want to do, just watching tv (7pm show, 8pm variery shows, the Peak, then news), or plainly staring at the computer screen looking for things to surf.
And when I've almost done surfing all the regular content I surf everyday - social-commentary blogs, friends' blogs, Blackburn Rovers' news and forum, the Lions' news and forum, and perhaps some youtube clips, I find myself no knowing what to do, and simply staring at the laptop screen. After my astig-affected eyes are tired with all the glare from the screen, I simply doze off and sleep.
Subconciously of course, I have a vague impression that I want/need to MUG. But MUG what? Malay seems interesting enough, but that's a limit of things you can memorise at one go. SS, rrgh spare me the long reading. Philo? I can't get the logic when I'm tired.. another day perhaps. Microecons? It seems so easy although I still feel I know so little and shaky about it. Econometrics? It's simply the stupid statistics stuff we learnt in JC.. it's MATHS C stats! Not Fmaths stats.. coupled with the lack of questions given by the lecturer, it's simply crap.
With this attitude, it's no wonder I've seen myself doing nothing. I really want to push myself into the Dean's List this sem ( I missed by 0.1 the last sem), but my attitude is simply wrong.
Hence the blogging spree.
Tonight, it's a saturday night, and I've quite no mood to study again, so I shall blog.
Well, as almost in everyday life, especially during the holidays, I've accumulated quite some thoughts and perhaps I'll take this opportunity to jot all of them down =)
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An ironic contrast.
Stepping into the Singapore General Hospital, this is a place that brought back childhood memories. Seeing the travelling letter boxes on the ceiling humming and sending papers across the departments, it still fascinated me now as much as when I was a kid.
What's not so fascinating though, is that a few of my relatives died here, namely my mother, my great-grandmother, my grandfather (i was not born then) and my 老舅.
It reminded me of sad instances of relatives departing this world, but I had no time to indulge in my childhood memories.
Purposefully slowing down to accompany my auntie's walking speed, we walked towards one of the clinics in the hospital.
Looking around, the population I saw was hugely familiar, it has a 'Bedok' feel to it - old people, simple clothing, and that sense of simple frugality. The queue was rather long, as the simple old folks wait faithfully and nervously, sitting on the chairs provided, while clenching tightly to the piece of queue number issued to them.
What I saw was 无奈 faces. Faces staring into space, wondering what the doctors' verdicts on them will be.
As typical Singaporeans in a public, air-conditioned setting, they talked consciously, while taking a peek everytime of the queue no. display board as they chatted.
A sense of inevitability prevailed in the current setting.
The nurses, in needing to handle the vast amounts of human beings streaming in for doctor visits, handled the patients with mechanical efficiency, sometimes with a faint smile on their faces.
Finally, it was our chance to go in after a long wait.
After the doctor has accessed my auntie, her report could only come TWO WEEKS after the scan, and treatment can only begin ANOTHER THREE WEEKS, despite the illness being quite a urgent case.
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It was the first time I stepped into the Bayshore Hospital in downtown Orchard. There, the hospital was noisier, despite having significantly less number of patients as compared to SGH.
Walking a short distance to the next clinic, I passed by the parking lot. There, I saw a sight perhaps not spotted during my visit to SGH. I don't know car brands and names, but sure they were HUGE. With careful attendants helping the old folks into the cars, all wearing long-sleeved business attires. The old folks, wearing clearly more expensive clothing, complete with even nicer-looking walking-sticks, walked carefully up those BIG vehicles I saw.
Entering the clinic, I was greated with a huge smile from the stuff, and the queue was almost non-existent. There were nobody except us, and my auntie were able to go for her test very fast.
Then some chinese-looking personnels come in. Swiftly, one handsome young man attended to them, and spewing malay-sounding words fluently. Judging from the great stress on the 'Rs' on the words, I suspect they're rich Indonesians.
With significantly less waiting time, auntie completed her test, and we proceed on to do other tests.
After the tests are finished, the doctor said she could go for the treatment IMMEDIATELY THE DAY AFTER.
Conclusion: 穷人不是人. 有钱才是人.
I swear I will earn enough money next time, so that when in the future, I would be able to provide the best medical care I can for my family, and make sure their health can be only compromised by fate, rather than by human processes.
Basically, to be a human.
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Somtimes, to avoid being hurt by something that you well know you will be hurt by, well, is to simply avoid it.
People are hurt sometimes by overnight differences. They're at a loss why things change so dramatically overnight, and why such drastic actions are taken.
The human mind is like the truth. Often, we see it the way we WANT to see it, and try to convince ourselves what it actually is to fit our current mental states.
When one is in status A, he/she will view the Truth as mindset A, and thus have actions corresponding to status A, driven by mindset A - perhaps we can call this action A.
Similiarly, when one is in status B, he/she will view the Truth as mindset B, and thus have actions corresponding to status B, driven by mindset B and do action B.
But generically speaking, the whole Truth (a paraody of someone's heart/mind/thinking) hasn't changed at all.
The actions and current mindset is just a person's way of adapting to the present status.
(I've not taken pyschology - so all these crap are born from my own theory)
So why be sad over a person's actions when fundmentally, we well know his/her heart/mind/thing) hasn't changed at all?
He/she is simply reacting to his/her current status.
Back to the point of avoidance.
To avoid something, one can choose 3 levels of avoidance.
1. Actively contact, but keep contact superficial - gradually less than previously
2. Passively contact, not deliberately avoid contact nor deliberately set up contact.
3. Deliberate planning of avoidance - perhaps total avoidance
The question: How do you drop the level of contact with a person who had intense contact with you previosly to a level of 'normal' contact eventually?
To me, I would argue that the end state is similiar, which in my view, is 2.
Option 1 or 3, are simply different means to the same end.
What's the difference then?
1, to me, is the 'step-by-step' way. To reduce the ''obviousness" of reaching the end state of 2, one can choose option 1. However, to me, it has certain flaws. Firstly, it is slow in reaching the desired stage 2. Secondly, there is a 'false hope' syndrome. People could be self-eluded that they could possibly in stage 0 (intense contact). In option 1, one can argue that it will cushion the fall from stage 0 to stage 2, I tend to think that the "false hope" syndrome's cons outweigh the benefits of the cushioning effect.
Obviously, I favour going to option 3 before to option 2. Firstly, it avoids the "false hope" syndrome. Secondly, the way the human mind works, the less you are reminded of something, the faster perhaps you can forget something.
So, friend, the fact that one practises 3 before going to 2 only show three things:
1. It's a right thing to do rationally - avoiding the "false hope" syndrome
2. I tend to think that the more people care about something, the more people will tend to adopt option 3
3. The action you see now not necessarily reflect the Whole Truth - it is only part of the Truth - the Truth has never changed.
Please trust me - I've been doing this during the holidays too.
Option 3 sucks, but I've been adopting it too.
While you're at the receiving end of it, I've been in the creating end of it, which perhaps is even worse.
Just be comforted that although the action is cruel, the Truth has never changed.
So don't be sad about it =)
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That's it - A long long post. Must be having a verbal diarrhoea today =P
lowtide blogged @
9:53 pm
