Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Long nonsense
人无远虑，必有近忧
If you don't look for your future, your future will automatically look for you.
Why? As time passes, the future becomes the present, and from now on, there is nowhere to hide. Avoidance is therapeutic, it really is. It provides a feel-good, an igorance-is-bliss feeling.
But when the future comes knocking by being the present, can it be avoided further?
Future rewards are seldom visible. And standing vis-a-vis present pains, they become so insignificant and intangible, so worthless of pursuing.
One needs to have the imagination - the feeling of joy, happiness, satisfaction when the future reward becomes reality, and therefore willing to go through current pain, in order to achieve the seemingly untouchable future rewards.
It's hard, especially when one is in a comfortable state. The illusion of this state going on forever is natural to humans, thus suffering now to prepare for such changes in state are not really part of our instinct. We are just born lazy, and born to be too comfortable.
The power of foresight, the power to anticipate things before they come, the power of forming expectations, and hence modifying current behaviour in accordance to the expectations formed of the future - rational expectations. Not easy, not easy, as uncertainty plays a huge role in discounting the expected utility of the future reward - hence decreasing the willingness to pay in the present.
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It was a long, hard sem, really.
Luckily for my year 3 sem 1 overload (take 6 modules, thanks to tianhao's suggestion), and for the 5MCs level-4000 system, I was able to take only 4 modules last sem. Taking 3 econs level-4000 modules plus one rather slack u/e was hard enough for me. And my brain power was tested near its limits. Coupled with intensive tuition for my o'level kid, my time, energy and brain power was really stretched to the extreme.
Plus the competitive nature of the modules. Gone are the I-just-want-to-get-a-degree-and-go-off people, and left are scarily similar attituded honours wannabes. Not certain of the marks required to get an A in this new environment, squeezing every percentage possible in every module becomes the norm. Through extra thinking, extra detailed, and extra careful checking of tutorial assignments (burning my brain in the process as they are so darn hard), over-enthu tutorial participation, doing well for the tests by going through every concept/detail of the notes, and scrutinising them intensely.
To be brutally honest, I still offer help like before, but spoonfeeding was out of the way. I just helped so people can get through some mental block, and after which, leave them to put in the same mental effort to understand concepts.
So, I did well for my CAs. However, for every single one of my 4 exams, after the paper, I will realise I did something wrong, and I knew exactly what to do. It just happens that I wrote the wrong things during exams, and only realising afterwards. And seriously, this feeling really sucks. I mean, I got lousy grades before for modules I simply didn't understand (aka Serene Tan or Lin Mao Ting or Han Haejoon), I feel totally justified I got poor grades, and didn't feel sucky much. This time round, I was really in self blame for doing all these stupid things. No use being so good during the semester, and failing to show it where in matters most - the final examinations (usually around 50-60%)
That was why I was super pessimistic after the whole exams ended.
But surprise, surprise, and I say it with lots of humility, guilt and sense of taiko-ness, this was my best sem. Even better than my brillant year 1 sem 2, which was the polar opposite, a breeze. And with that, I pulled my total CAP up to my best CAP in NUS ever, above my year 1's.
I seriously don't know how the hell I did it, seriously. The only explanation I can give is that even though I screwed up, others have fell even more wayward due to the tough content of the modules.
Really happy, but with lots of humility and caution underneath it. I've got to learn my lessons, not repeat the scare again, chiong hard for this final semester. And yes, now the Thesis will be make or break. Scary stuff.
Really grateful, so I'll really work hard not to put the past 7 sems to waste. I've come a long way, so it's time to finish the job. By hook or by crook.
lowtide blogged @
2:49 am
