Friday, November 30, 2007
Gone
If you think I've disappeared from the face of Earth, yup you're right.
I've disappeared into the world of academics, and other than the few folks in arts club, my contact with the world has been minimal.
Soccer, News, Blogging, Msning, Dota have all taken a backseat, and only these folks keep me sane as I try my best to score well this semester.
Many things happened, I know, especially the thing about the dragon boaters.
Again, I had many, many thoughts about exams, motivation, and life in general, but time and the temporary loss of my laptop has disabled me in blogging these thoughts into words.
From the start of the study week, I've been studying in the club room, returning home on a few occasions. Well, it seems fated that I've lost my lappie for these days, as it really kept me in focused on books, books, and only the books.
I've put in huge effort in econmetrics and micro2. Yes, as what I told Xinyu, I'll just stare at the notes/textbook until I understand the concepts and internalise them into me. It really takes a huge amount of effort, the intensity of mental activity within that short period I mug is horrible.
People only see the glorious side of you, and fail to recognise that mental effort put in place, that tremendous struggle one encounters, and simply conclude you know it because you're 'smart'. But when faced with the same situation, they simply cave in and give up, and simply lack the mental discipline to be willing to take that huge steep upslope struggle to internalise what they study.
For macro1, that's what happened to me. There's something in me that just simply refuse to understand things thoroughly, and just touch things on the surface. It's not about 'smartness', it's about the effort, and without that effort to want to go through that mental struggle, I think I'll get what I deserve for that module.
Well, it's really tiring when you've expanded all your mental energies on stats and micro, cos I really worked hard, I really had. These huge mental struggles really left me strained and tired.
I need a rest. But before I do, I know I have to earn it. I can't let the effort for the 2 modules go down the drain by screwing up the last 2. I'm not naturally smart enough to go where I wanna go, so I need to be willing to struggle more than these people I'm competing against.
Ok my lappie's back, but everything's gone.
Songs, Pictures, 3 sems worth of school work, Rovers' highlights for 2 seasons, Msn emoticons, all gone.
Feeling a bit pity, but I really feel too tired to feel sadness.
Well people, please send me photos, songs, msn emos after the exams.
For now, I'll leave Earth again, go back to that humbling world of academics, and continue my mental struggle.
See you when I'm back on Earth.
lowtide blogged @
11:07 pm
Saturday, November 17, 2007
Welfare State
I mugged the WHOLE BLOODY DAY, and all I can finish is EC3303's Chapter 10.
Yes, ONE CHAPTER FOR ONE WHOLE DAY. ZZZZ.
This week's TIME magazine had a special report as its front page. Titled 'The Best Countries for Business', it listed the competitiveness ranking of different countries.
Glancing at the Top Ten, here lies the usual suspects:
1. USA
2. Switzerland
3. Denmark
4. Sweden
5. Germany
6. Finland
7. Singapore
8. Japan
9. U.K.
10. Netherlands
Of course, being a patriotic Singaporean, the first thing I had to note was Singapore's ranking. 7th, not too bad I guess, since I don't remember last year's ranking, and being first in Asia sure says something.
However, flipping through the pages, there was a special report on Sweden. Then I thought. Hmm wait wait. Scandinavian countries are 'notorious' for their high taxes, yet at the same time, their citizens the envy of many, having free education, free health care, and quite substantial unemployment benefits. How can they rank so high in the 'competitiveness' rankings?
If the rhetorics of the Singapore government are to be believed, any sign of 'welfare' will cripple the system, and make Singapore's economy crumble (welfare is a 'dirty' word, said PM Lee). So what made a country like Denmark succeed? Curious, I read on.
Well, I won't bore people with the details, but I'm rather impressed on how Denmark combated the forces of globalisation, yet at the same time, provided the above-mentioned welfare to its citizens.
This is totally opposite of Singapore's case, whereby unemployment benefit is zero, education and health care only gets dearer by the day (think of university fee hikes, hospital bills raising, and the fact that these are not excluded from the 7% (it's high when bills are large) GST.
It really led me to wonder, how so many people are so easily spoon-fed by the government's 'wonderful' logic, when shining examples like these Scandinavian countries are here for us to see.
But nonetheless, it served to remind me that why I wanted to study, and how i fell in love with economics in the first place. It's the desire to use my knowledge and expertise, in the hope of helping people improve their lives. I'm too impatient to do charity work, so I feel the best way I can help to improve the lives of people is actually through a more direct path, the economics path.
Too bad the article did not really offer a lot of insight into the Swedish system. However, it kind of gave me the reminder of my initial love for economics. I really hope that, one day, I'll be able to use my expertise, to help Singaporeans get more welfare in their lives, not needing to worry about escalating health care costs, retirement costs etc, especially the heartlander folks in Bedok I've seen my whole life. I hope the Singapore system, in one day, will be able to model itself after its Scandinavian counterparts, providing welfare to its citizens, while not compromising on its economy.
That's a big wish, of course. It might be unrealistic, but at least it gave me a spur for my 4 economics modules this semester.
It was Adam Smith's 'Invisible Hand' last sem, now it's this.
Will I do as well? I hope so.
Fight on.
lowtide blogged @
10:39 pm
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Choices have consequences
During the 3 short days I've worked in Feng Shan Primary for Adam Khoo's, I've learnt quite some things during the 'inspirational' talks.
The talks were meant for the kids, but as the most mature member of the audience, perhaps I'm the one who understands the most content, and benefited most from it.
Kids were told words that are supposedly inspiring, and indeed they were to me. (but I'm not so sure about the kids, as some may just be too immature to understand the severity of the current results).
There's some irony here. They are the ones who pay, I am the one who's paid, and yet I'm the one who get the most inspired. Not that I mind though =P
Things like:
What are you fighting for in your life?
1. Your family? Are you sick of seeing the poor state of your family and you want to get out of it?
2. Your name? Are you sick of your schoolmates teasing you to be stupid, and do you want to feel good about yourself?
3 Blah Blah Blah
From there, I knew what I was fighting for.. It has been within me all the while, but this talk kinda woke me up and I come to realise exactly what I was fighting for.
But in the most succinct sentence lies the most simple yet relevant meaning.
The speaker will go..
"Choices have conse..."
"quences." The kids will answer.
Yes. Choices have consequences.
In life, we always have to make choices. Often we make them without really considering the consequences. Screw the economic theories that people are rational agents. We're aren't. More often than not, we base our choices on what we like, instead of what the consequences are likely to be.
This applies to me as well. I'm a choice-making agent, and I have to bear the brunt of the consequences of my choices. Just that sometimes, you don't expect them to come in such a full blow.
I thought I was rational (just like how all the economists will assume), I thought I was totally cool. But sometimes, I'm just not.
However, I should not be too surprised about it. It's not as if it has not happened before. I wonder if it is me or what, but after serving my term as the Agony Aunt, I'm usually discarded. Like how the aunties, after happily pushed their groceries to the roadside to take a taxi, discard the NTUC trolleys there, only putting a token one-dollar coin as a sign of appreciation. Maybe not as appreciation at all, as it is mandatory to put that one-dollar coin in, otherwise the trolley wouldn't even move in the first place.
Finally I come to understand what these things are about. I've played Agony Aunt to so many people, and I keep saying I understand, I understand. Now I realise, no I didn't understand at all. I thought I understand, but I didn't. Perhaps, next time, I should use the phrase, I can empathise instead of I understand.
But now, I understand, I finally do. Thinking back, all my advice, all my words of sympathy, all my so-called wise words are really nothing, and even to the extent of being pathetic. Words borne out of emotional imagination are not relevant words at all. But how does it help when I understand? When I understand, less words will come out even, and I've simply no advice to give. You simply accept things as they are, and make do with it.
I'm just so used to it, really. It's always like that, really. It's just endless repetition of cycles.
Perhaps this is then what we call 'life'.
lowtide blogged @
2:45 am
Friday, November 09, 2007
Planning and Scheming
In this world full of obvious or implicit 'competition', I believe victory will always go to people who plan. In a more cynical tone, people who scheme.
I have this inspiration after doing my EC2373 essay, when you see how the meticulous planning of the PAP government back then in 1959 combated the problems of unemployment, inadequate housing and education and transform Singapore into what it is today.
Singapore had no right to survive. It has too small a domestic economy, it has too stupid a people (almost all low-skilled immigrants 'forced' out of the hometowns), and it has no natural resources to bank upon. Contrast this to the vast populations and lands of Indonesia, the Philippines, and Malaysia, they are the ones who should prosper, not us. But we know what happened =) The reason? Planning, planning and more planning.
For people who know football, look at Newcastle and Spurs. And look at Blackburn Rovers and Everton. You get the point =)
This bring my point to the power of planning. In studies, similarly, good grades will not go to the smartest people, but the most well-planned people. Granted, some people are inherently more clever, some more stupid, but planning does help you 'over-achieve'. As I've told Marcus, in studies it's not about fulfilling your potential, it's about 'over-achieving'. You might be stupid, but if you're good in planning, you can always achieve grades better than how 'smart' you supposedly are.
Perhaps, there are different levels of planning that lead to different results.
In studies, as mentioned above, I have some sort of planning.
"I attend my tutorials (to not miss any attendance marks), I TRY to attend all lectures (but I skipped quite a lot), I hand in my essays/assignments in time and do them proper, I study for my mid terms properly, I try to present in tutorials (I hate it but I have to do it) etc. " I.e. I do not compromise on anything that will directly or immediately affect my grades, but I tend to heck care when it comes to lectures and revision, where no marks are directly depended upon.
In studies, I can plan simply because grades are all artificial. It's not about judging how smart you are. It's simply about how well you do for the particular topics (hello you have only 13 weeks), tested in particular ways in particular percentages, set arbitrarily by a particular prof. Everything is mostly dependent on the game rules, and your grade is kinda at the mercy of your prof and tutors. It's just how you tune yourself to guess what the prof likes, instead of doing what you like and showing your intellect.
For me, I just try to do what I can, with little attention paid to this. Tianhao perhaps have the best planning, when he kinda gathered Dr Lee Soo Ann has a tendency in setting 'B' or 'C' in his MCQs. Hence in that 'teekum' 90 MCQs test of ours, he got the highest marks in the cohort! (Ok, to give credit to him, it's more than teekum, but you can't deny it helps =P ) Plus the fact that he foresees examinations topics and hence fine tune his studying strategy according to them, this kind of planning is what I can learn from, although I've still yet to do it.
Anyway, that's just my point about how the victory goes to people who plan and scheme.
Sadly, the same thing applies to people and relationships as well. In studies, I can plan and scheme, or I need to plan and scheme to play this 'game'. But towards people and relationships, I believe in truthfulness and sincerity. Hence, the abstinence from planning, from tactics, from scheming, from acting. But for some people, knowingly or unknowingly, planned or not planned, they schemed and know the exact way of behaviour to yield the response they want (consciously or subconsciously).
And sadly, in this form of implicit 'competition', these are the people who will come out victors as well. It's hard not to get affected. If only I could also know how to scheme and plan. But that's not me. I still believe being truthful to yourself is the most important thing in life. But sadly, sometimes, the best response only go to the people who scheme and plan. Perhaps when you're more bastardic, you can push your agenda through without caring how others feel, and ensure a swift and decisive victory.
So for me? I'll just remain true to what I am, behave the way I want to. Hopefully, one day, sincerity and truthfulness will win all schemes and plans, and the world will become a much more beautiful place =)
lowtide blogged @
10:10 am
I saw this on Han Chong's msn nick quite some time ago, I roughly remember:
"If a man wants something he has never want before, he has to do something he has not done before"
Guess it's true. Actually to an individual, a lot of things can be achieved, and it depends on how badly one wants to achieve it. Inherent ability differs from man to man, but if one wants something badly, and is really set out to achieve it, I believe things can be achieved, or should one fail, one will at least come close.
But therein lies the problem. It's how BADLY one wants to achieve something that matters in the first place. In our lives, we face too many comforts. And we're getting even increasingly comfortable with our lives. Last time, I had to share the use of my computer with my brother, and usually end up very unhappy, when either I deprive him the usage of the comp, or vice versa. Now, I have my lappie with me 24/7, and I kinda can't live without it in my spare time.
I'm also amazed how much we've changed, when I give a =.= face when I took a non-aircon 95 bus to school. We're now so used to air-con that we'll die without it. I used to be so happy, so contented whenever I have the chance to take a bus. Every air-con bus was a bonus, and we'll be SUPER happy and feel lucky when we board one. Now, air-con buses are like mandatory, and we'll sulk and curse if we were to board one without air-con. Ah I miss the days of 25 cents buses, with me inserting the metallic fare card (rem this term? haha) into the top hole of the fare card machine, and the machine making some printing noise before the fare card comes out at the bottom, with a nice little ticket attached. I used to see if the numbers at the top right corner add up to 21, and declare it a lucky ticket. Is is Yvonne or Liwen who taught me that? Can't really remember.
I'm sure there are many many other examples on how we've become so spoilt, and how life seems to be so smooth and convenient for us that we forgot how lucky we are. Everyday, we complain about our mugging, our deadlines and our endless assignments, when in some parts of Singapore, people struggle when they are denied a place in university, when their lousy family environments make them stuck in the 'poverty' trap and destined to earn meagre $1000+s for the rest of their lives. And compare it to the rest of the world, we're so lucky that I don't even have to elaborate.
I keep saying I want something badly, but the actions never seem to match the words. True enough, I do all the mandatory stuff - I attend my tutorials (to not miss any attendance marks), I TRY to attend all lectures (but I skipped quite a lot), I hand in my essays/assignments in time and do them proper, I study for my mid terms properly, I try to present in tutorials (I hate it but I have to do it) etc.
But what I'm doing is purely reactive. If there's something to be done, I'll clear it, and neglect all other things in the process. After lecture, I don't really go through the notes to recap, and I'll do tutorials just for the sake of it, and I flip my notes only to answer the tutorial questions, instead of a complete understand of the topic.
Other than all the 'must dos', in my spare time, I just stare at the computer, surfing soccer sites, blogs, re-watching Rovers' highlights, or simply stone. I'm not like some other people who can just mug mug and mug, regardless of whether there is a test/tutorial coming up. It just shows I still do not want something badly enough to translate all the talk to action. I'm just too spoilt.
Worse still, I still dota almost every night. I dotaed the night before ST's midterm, macro midterm, I dotaed while rushing for my 3000 word essay, I just dotaed my way through the sem.
It just shows how not badly I want to achieve, despite all the rumblings and talks.
I have a dream.. I want to achieve it. I will not try overly hard, but I'm still determined as ever. It's hard to remain positive, but for the dream I would =)
Our 4SIR motto: Towards greater heights!
Ah-wu-ah.
lowtide blogged @
9:02 am
Saturday, November 03, 2007
Back
I'm back after this long break from blogging.. (Ok, it's only like 8 days since the last post, but to me it seemed like an eternity)
It was a rather eventful 8 days! (Shit why am I acting enthu like on the oweek blog =X )
27th Oct, last sat: Arts Open!
Arts Open was fun! For the first time in this semester after oweek, I got to join some organised activity to get away from these academic stress. Formed a football team with Soon Leong, Jeremy, Hock and Reuben. Manburn United Rovers. What a flop name. hahaha.
I'm always suay when in either 'lucky' draws or balloting. I remember in the 4SIR Ord dinner, when the emcee announced the first 3 numbers of the 4-digit 'lucky number' FOR THE FIRST PRIZE, and gave clues for the 4th number, I had a 2/3 chance of winning the thing. However, it proved otherwise, and the prize went to Soon Bing! I'm gutted (with my luck rather than not winning the prize), but happy for Soon Bing, cos he is my friend. I've never won anything in lucky draws. I got ZERO tutorials I wanted in my top 5 choices in the tutorial balloting this sem. I've got a crappy timetable haha
Back to Arts Open. I remembered last year, I was the one responsible for drawing the lot. We got 2 strong teams and we lost the both matches. This year, the previous day, I drew our ballot for the fixtures, and we got team C, meaning we got grouped with teams A and B (it was a 3-team group). First match, against team A. Against Indian-looking people. They will very fluent in their movement, very clinical in their finishing, and very quick in their tackling. We got a resounding 5-0 thrashing. Second match: We played a United Nations team, with angmohs and blacks. They're not very hardworking, but rather fast and ruthless in their finishing, and tackle very physically without them fouling us. Really hard to play against. However, I felt we matched them, and we even led 2-1 at half-time!
Yes, after conceding a sian 'not again!' goal, we scored two. First, countering them, Hock send a through pass to me on the left, which the ball was kinda bouncing. I then supplied a half-volley cross into the area, and Soon Leong did a nice overlapping run into the area, and reached the ball before the keeper's hand can reach to it! At least we scored, and we felt damn relieved. Then, with an attacking move, Hock burst down the middle, only to shoot straight at the keeper's hands. But well, the angmoh keeper did a Paul Robinson, and I was there to tuck home the rebound with a fine left foot (yes left foot!!!! haha) grounder into the bottom right corner. YES WE ARE LEADING!! WE SCORED!! ME AND SOON LEONG SHATTERED THE MYTH OF WESTERN SUPREMACY!!!!
Haha or so we thought. 2nd half, same old story, we condeded 2 goals, and we lost 3-2. We feel like we're spurs or something. But well, I'm happy we scored! Don't care already.. Credit to Hock, Jeremy and Reuben! Fun playing with you guys nonetheless =)
We don't care cos we got to play captain's ball! haha sometimes the fun is about the people, not the sport. At the captain's ball side, we have like almost everyone we know from arts club ocomms, mostly our year somemore! haha. Captain's ball was fun, it was fun kaopehing with everyone, and ARGUING WITH THE REFEREE!! Damn kaopeh, but damn fun.
I was the catcher for some matches. Hmm the stupid thing is that for both Shafik;s (sp?) and Eileen's team, they had a rather short defender to guard me. Although wenwen praised me for my catching skills, I think it was easy!
And our team just keep winning, winning and winning! Tough fight in the semi-final against wenhui's team made up of mostly people from t-house, man yun and shimin etc, but we came up tops, although some kaopeh with the ref came again hahaha. Final: We are against a strong all-Indian team (again!), with a reputation for physical play. Indeed, they were damn physical! They ran everywhere, were quick to close down anyone in an open space, and counter-attacked in swarms. But when they were marking people, some of them just pushed and hooked their arms around me! Super rough acts which blur-cock refs will not be able to see hahaha.. So we keep kaopehing. I played the first half as an 'outfield' player, and I scored the first 2. It was fun to give a row of 5s with the spectators (made up of our arts club people) after scoring. haha damn kaopeh! We led 7-6 at the break. Tight game.
Second half, I didn't play, and Soon Leong came in. And after being BTH with the Indian guy pushing, Soon Leong nearly fought with him! "Not happy wanna fight ah!" hahaha typical Soon Leong. After that, after very tough fights, we won 12-11!!! WE ARE THE CAPTAIN'S BALL CHAMPIONS!! hahaha
Anyway, I was really damn impressed with our captain's ball players. We see a side of everyone we rarely see. Wenwen! Played like a true pro, with a swagger of a sportswoman, bearing pain and kaopehing the ref! Best! Applie, the energiser bunny (totally unexpected from her usual gentle image) who ran all around creating spaces. Way to go PD! Kaiwei and Serene: Rotated as everyone was tired, good job in marking! Can see u two are not really ball players, but ran totally committed to mark the opponents and create spaces! Totally kept the shape of the team for us. Soon Leong: Really running around like a monkey (HAHA), his fitness was plain for us to see. Suffered a cramp to prevent travelling. HAHA Remmy: Keep saying "BingDe Wo Ai Ni" with my catching.. haha! Nice defender and catching too, when he's like tall and can jump =) Woon and friends: Woon is obviously the star player with his 100001 tips off the catcher's hands! haha and great mo qi with his friends as well.. I love the way u all guailan-ly passed at ball back and forth at the defence when we are leading, earning the kaopeh of the opposition defender (the 06 black tshirt with cap loser guy). haha guailan and kaopeh is the order of the day!
But WE'RE CHAMPIONS. hehheh
After that rushed down to the UCC for juling's concert. Hmm we only caught the second half, only for a short hour, but it was quite cool! If only we could see a little more closer. ahah.. it reminded me of my secondary school days and HO days. Music making is fun! =)
After that, I'm grateful Caleb was so coincidentally going down to Clarke Quay as well, and I earned a fast free trip down to Settlers.
It was great meeting up with 08/02 people.. Although I've made new friends, old friends still matter a lot to me, just that I haven't had the time to really meet up. Sorry! And I was super shagged after everything, so I'm not bored by the company if I showed any, but I was just too tired =) A nice meet up though! =) Conclusion: Saboteur is still the best game! haha crappy games like the balancing one really gets on my nerves =P
Sunday was a rest day, but I was damn high at the end of it. Christopher Samba scored at 93rd minute goal to help Rovers win the Spurs at White Hart Lane! Rovers are so good at the moment, it is unbelievable. FIFTH, above liverpool and on par with Chelski. After beating Portsmouth 2-1 AT FRATTON PARK, in quarters of the Carling Cup. On a 7-match winning run. What more can I ask for? =)
Ok everything came tumbling down after the weekend, as I have to hand in the bloody 3000-word EC2373 essay on Friday! Not wanting to repeat the debacle of the PS2249 essay last semester (I spent 2 days writing it, did very little research and got a B+), I started reading on Monday. However, I kept dragging and dragging until I only seriously started typing it on Wednesday (when I self-declared a free day skipping two lectures). It really dampened my mood for the whole week, when you have this niggling feeling of something to be completed. Plus the fact that I'm super anal for my essay (I make sure the English's good - my natural English grammar is quite chui, so I need to constantly edit my sentences' structures. I make sure the logic flows, I make sure the 'topic sentences' answer the question - very GP). It doesn't help when I got below average for the mid-term MCQ, so I need this essay badly to pull me up. Hence, the very headache + fever + not enough sleep + something to be done at the back of the mind + I must do well for it feeling.
But on Thursday our translation group received another boost when we got back our first translation 'reflection'! This is the first time this semester I saw an 'A' written on an assignment with my name on it. Really thanks to Kate for doing all the shit work again.. It's great to have you in a 'project' group! Despite all the nonsense we talk during discussions and even during lessons =P. It's looking good, but I must do well in the finals. =)
It was also fun 'giving a lecture' to PS1101E students for the crash course, and answering questions. It was late (6-8pm), I was hungry, but it is fun talking about PS. 'Politics is in my blood!' I hope so haha. I miss talking about PS, I miss talking in tutorials generally, so it was nice meeting these budding Year1s! And it was only nice doing a little catchup with Stephanie and Karen who attended this crash course. It feels good to be invited to help out in PS when I'm an Econs major =P
I missed quite a few dota games (but still played some! suicidal, suicidal..) for a few nights doing the essay, but on thursday night, I finally completed it. Edited it for the last time on Friday, and handed in both the hard copy and the soft one on ivle. I don't know if I did a good job though. Cos the lecturer has a tendency in liking narrative stuff, yet my essay topic is an argumentative one. It's tough hiding narrative elements in an argumentative structure without being over-elaborate on the details. But neh mind, the only thing you care about when you complete something is that you've completed it haha.
It's amazing (but not surprising) how something can affect you. Every moment my mind goes idle, it1 enters it2 and you think about it1 and it2 becomes non-idle again.
This period will be tough, but I'd rather believe it will bear fruits.
One more presentation and one more translation reflection to go!
I'll fight on =)
(Will blog about the usual (BOOORING) reflections soon when I have the mood, time or energy)
lowtide blogged @
11:22 am
