Emo posts Was reading a few emo posts on my friends' blogs.
Tianhao's. About friends. It reminded me that how little I've been talking to my friends, and how locked up I am in my room, and how drowned I am by 6 modules.
Xinyu's. About family. Well, I used to looking forward to going home every weekend, but not so much now, after that quarrel the previous weekend. Well, maybe this is a rude awakening for me. Either it is because of my anti-social behaviour (my fault), or their (particularly HIS) actions that lead to me being like that at home (their fault). The constant need to prove I'm sensible and mature at home. The constant need to put up with his inexplicable, unreasonable temper and view of things. I haven't been the most like-inducing creature at home, I admit.
Although I enjoy the notion of being home, I seldom show it. The environment does not give me the platform to. Playing is out. Using my computer to the late night is a waste of electricity. Acting sensible and mature is the way to go. And being the smallest (yet highest educated), your words are of the smallest value. Either due to you being perceived the least understanding (due to you being the smallest), or simply because since you don't pay the bills at home, you better shut up and follow, so this will please everyone.
Those words really hurt me, it really did. It just made me realised what has happened all along. The family can never be the warm place, the shelter from the harsh outside, the way most people wants. Simply because of YOUR expectations. Since you have the worst temper, coupled with the fact that you earn most now, your say is the biggest. Any objections, however reasonable, to your "unique" ways of thought, are simply products of my "debate and university" trainings.
To you, talking reason makes no sense, because it is missing from your brain. Once you scolded that CB word to me, the respect has gone. Totally. The tolerance of your temper and focus on your good side has been shifted back. I scold vulgarities constantly, but never do I really mean it, and it's usually for humour, rather than direct aim.
Since total conformity to your thoughts and zero objections is what you want, I'll do it your way then. Not as if I haven't been doing so for the past post-puberty years.
I point to the streets. Can you find many other kids without parental care and can yet get into university? And even doing well in it to speak of?
If a simple suggestion can lead to such violent reactions, I really see no point in trying to do my part to have some family warmth. You want to dominate it, anyway, so I'll let you be.
Anyway, these incidents reminded me of this stupid rat race I've been getting into. It is this kind of environment that makes me wanna do well. But, no matter how well I do, the expectations are never met.
So, the best way is to out-earn you, and shut your mouth up, and bring you back to reality. I want to treat everyone in respect, but once that line is crossed, Newton's third law will easily come into effect.
Yes, I've been in the emo mood for the past few days. Sometimes, I wonder, what do I do it for? I kept thinking it is because deep inside me, I want to do well, but is the meeting-the-family-expectations mindset so deeply ingrained in me that I don't even realise it?
I looked at my results, and I'm rather proud of it. But thinking back, perhaps, this is the only achievement I can derive satisfaction from, as family life is screwed, I'm too poor to go for SEP (and tour so many places) like my friends, have to teach long hours of tuition, and scrimp on even the little little things.
People. If you have what I don't have, treasure them, and stop moaning about the need to study hard. At least you can afford to do these things while you're young, and studying is just your basic responsibility.
End of Hell Week Yes after SO LONG I'm finally coming to update!!
These many weeks have been super busy, so I've no time or extra energy to log on to blogger.com, type in my username and password, and type a long post.
Hence the inactivity. For people who are concerned, especially my friends who are in SEP, sorry! (shouldn't over-estimate my importance here :p )
Anyway, I just want to rant about this week.
1 presentation, 1 test, 2 assignments, FOUR tuitions (add a laptop repair to it too)
It has been a hell week, really.
Monday: Computing presentation - the second of THREE presentations! WT!#&*()! it's a BLOODY GEM! Why so many things to do? 3 presentations + a website! WT *(&*(&3!!! 4pm to 6pm: Waited TWO hours to repair my laptop. GREAT. Night tuition: At KATONG. Reached my room at 10.15pm. After taking cab. Still had to revise for international econs test. Deep into 2am.
Tuesday: International economics test. 8am. Notice the gap between tuition end, sleep and test. Virtually nothing. Night tuition: At KATONG. Reached my room at 10.30pm. Still had to double-check health econs assignment. And start doing labour econs assignment. Deep into 4am.
Wednesday: Woke up at 8.45am. Health econs assignment due. Night tuition: At KATONG. Reached my room at 10.10pm. Still had to continue doing labour econs assignment. Deep into 3am.
Thursday: Woke at 9am. Learnt SPSS, shagged. Night tuition: At KATONG. Reached my room at 11.20pm. Lucky I did my labour tutorial the 2 nights before. Tonight, I just needed to check it and I've done it! (that's why I have the time to blog)
I'm so proud of myself that I survived this hell week.
Sometimes, you know, getting good results isn't simply because 'you're smart what'. It's the effort you put it, not just in the time spent, but the mental stress you go through to make sure you can get every mark as far as possible. Within these few days, other than simply just 'doing' the tutorials, studying for the test, I went through and went through. I revised and revised. I checked and checked and checked.
People just see your 'glorious' side. When you do good, it's just 'you smart what'. But at the same time, some have the cheek to do the assignment only one day before the handing in, and expect to get the same results.
Speaking of that, maybe it's because I didn't ask, but it's just a tad disappointing. When other people need help in their assignments, I go all out to help people. Despite my own busy juggling of 6 mods + 6 hrs tuition every week, I put in the effort to teach people, and not just in the guiding sense, but all out to explain, when the doer himself/herself didn't even bother to look at the notes when doing the assignment, and expect to understand and do well in the questions. Failing to do so, I'm expected to do the dirty work, and they expect to reap the benefits of my hard work.
Now it's my turn to do, the people I've helped didn't even bother to help, didn't even ask. When I jokingly said people didn't help, the response was 'you're so smart you need help meh?'. It's as if I'm born with those econs knowledge in my mind, and I didn't need to struggle through all that pile of notes to produce what I've been able to.
The proof of my own weakness was shown when XingYin actually pointed out the many calculation mistakes I made in the health econs assignment.
Yeah I'm "born" to do econs, I don't need help.
Such is the value of friends.
And it's really tiring to really want to pull my CAP up. 6 freaking mods, and the margin of error is virtually zero. To need to aim for full marks in everything, cover every part of the lecture notes and answering questions in the clearest, most wholesome way possible is really really tiring. Mentally I'm really burning. Seriously, I can feel my brain 'burning' everytime I scrutinise detail after detail in my assignments, and at the same time, revising my notes. (plus a "healthy dose" of I-hate-chem-yet-still-have-to-act-zai-and-teach and I'm-mentally-freaking-tired-yet-I-still-have-to-think-for-YOUR-questions-simply-because-you're-rich-and-you-can-afford-to-put-in-minimal-effort-and-let-the-tuition-teacher-do-the-studying-for-you-because-you-don't-want-to-study-hard-and-I-have-put-in-double-the-mental-effort-simply-because-my-father-is-penniless-and-I'm-surviving-on-only-the-money-brought-by-my-mother's-death-hence-I-have-to-study-for-first-class-honours-all-by-myself-while-tuitioning-you-while-you-can-afford-to-have-the-best-possible-environment-to-study-and-zero-responsibilities-and-with-so-much-help-you-still-complain-school-work-is-hard-and-simply-refuse-to-remember-what-has-been-told-to-you-again-and-again)
Ok enough of the rant.
I'm glad that I've survived this week! Health assignment has been proven to be correct, laptop screen is replaced and FREE (despite being out-of-warranty)! (I'm going to collect it tomorrow! :D) And tuition will be rewarding, when the money goes into my bank account =)
End of hell week.
(And I kept thinking of Oweek, and the song Seasons of Love, dunno why)
