Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Emo posts
Was reading a few emo posts on my friends' blogs.
Tianhao's. About friends. It reminded me that how little I've been talking to my friends, and how locked up I am in my room, and how drowned I am by 6 modules.
Xinyu's. About family. Well, I used to looking forward to going home every weekend, but not so much now, after that quarrel the previous weekend. Well, maybe this is a rude awakening for me. Either it is because of my anti-social behaviour (my fault), or their (particularly HIS) actions that lead to me being like that at home (their fault). The constant need to prove I'm sensible and mature at home. The constant need to put up with his inexplicable, unreasonable temper and view of things. I haven't been the most like-inducing creature at home, I admit.
Although I enjoy the notion of being home, I seldom show it. The environment does not give me the platform to. Playing is out. Using my computer to the late night is a waste of electricity. Acting sensible and mature is the way to go. And being the smallest (yet highest educated), your words are of the smallest value. Either due to you being perceived the least understanding (due to you being the smallest), or simply because since you don't pay the bills at home, you better shut up and follow, so this will please everyone.
Those words really hurt me, it really did. It just made me realised what has happened all along. The family can never be the warm place, the shelter from the harsh outside, the way most people wants. Simply because of YOUR expectations. Since you have the worst temper, coupled with the fact that you earn most now, your say is the biggest. Any objections, however reasonable, to your "unique" ways of thought, are simply products of my "debate and university" trainings.
To you, talking reason makes no sense, because it is missing from your brain. Once you scolded that CB word to me, the respect has gone. Totally. The tolerance of your temper and focus on your good side has been shifted back. I scold vulgarities constantly, but never do I really mean it, and it's usually for humour, rather than direct aim.
Since total conformity to your thoughts and zero objections is what you want, I'll do it your way then. Not as if I haven't been doing so for the past post-puberty years.
I point to the streets. Can you find many other kids without parental care and can yet get into university? And even doing well in it to speak of?
If a simple suggestion can lead to such violent reactions, I really see no point in trying to do my part to have some family warmth. You want to dominate it, anyway, so I'll let you be.
Anyway, these incidents reminded me of this stupid rat race I've been getting into. It is this kind of environment that makes me wanna do well. But, no matter how well I do, the expectations are never met.
So, the best way is to out-earn you, and shut your mouth up, and bring you back to reality. I want to treat everyone in respect, but once that line is crossed, Newton's third law will easily come into effect.
Yes, I've been in the emo mood for the past few days. Sometimes, I wonder, what do I do it for? I kept thinking it is because deep inside me, I want to do well, but is the meeting-the-family-expectations mindset so deeply ingrained in me that I don't even realise it?
I looked at my results, and I'm rather proud of it. But thinking back, perhaps, this is the only achievement I can derive satisfaction from, as family life is screwed, I'm too poor to go for SEP (and tour so many places) like my friends, have to teach long hours of tuition, and scrimp on even the little little things.
People. If you have what I don't have, treasure them, and stop moaning about the need to study hard. At least you can afford to do these things while you're young, and studying is just your basic responsibility.
End of.
lowtide blogged @
11:27 pm
